Chronicles of A Lagos Baby Boy: When A Yoruba Demon Meets An Edo Witch

Hi there, I’m back!

It’s been quite a while, okay a long long while since I told the story of how Laiskeen Genny turned an innocent young angel like me into a full time demon.

To be frank, if I were to tell stories of my Baby Boy ministries and the likes everyday, in 365 days I’d still be narrating stories from back in the days before I went on retirement from my demon ways.

Speaking of demons, ever wondered what happens when a Yoruba demon meets an Edo witch? And no, this has nothing to do with the memes flying around social media slandering Edo girls as witches- I’m talking about a real life witch that has a coven!

This was the beginning of 2014, 5th of January to be precise. I can’t remember exactly why my younger sister’s school insisted that they all return back for a new term barely 5 days into the new year but they did and the good brother that I was, (I still am) I agreed to drive my only sister to school.

It was a Sunday if I remember correctly, that morning, being the first day of worship of the year, my church’s priest organised an anointing service for everyone to lead us into the new year and chase evil far away from us all.

Remember the Bible says ‘the evils in a day are sufficient for the day thereof’ meaning any wise Yoruba demon should not stray far from the house of God- but don’t, I repeat don’t go near any church where they command their enemies to fall down and die. That’s a warning bruh.

Anyways, after church I returned home, got my sister’s school box, other stuffs and set out with her without knowing that somewhere in this Nigeria some witches had already finished their plan to completely ruin my life. I don’t even know what I did to them o.

The journey to my sister’s school was unusually short, about one hour for a journey that would ordinarily take about 2 hours. Till today, I still believe its this group of evil planning witches that cleared the road that day and somehow made my journey very short.

Don’t argue with me- it’s not your thought! Plus this is my story so…keep your versions to yourself.

So, after dropping my sister I started my journey back home, to destiny.

Somewhere along the road, out of the corner of my eyes as I was driving and bumping some Rick Ross rap songs I saw this awesomely sexy girl walking by herself unconsciously throwing her perfectly rounded buttocks in my face and brain. I hit my brakes without thinking twice!

As a gentleman, it is your duty to help stranded ladies when you can especially when she has the body of a coke bottle and the face of properly fried golden brown plantain.

I pull up beside the life-size dodo and rolled down my window “Hello”, I said putting up my charming gentleman style.

“I don’t suppose you really need a ride but please oblige me to drop you anywhere you are going,” I asked.

As per normal Nigerian hot girl ways, I was expecting her to put up some nauseating attitude and begin acting stuck up when it was obvious that my giving her a ride would actually help her career at that particular moment.

To my surprise though she just smiled, opened my car door and hopped in.

As I hit the pedal and sped on she didn’t even wait for me to make small talk before she went, “I know you though.”

I replied rather absentmindedly, “You look familiar too.” I was already calculating what and what moves to make to make the best out of this new opportunity.

“You were at the your church regional vigil in November right?” she asked.

Of course, I was at the vigil! I make it a point not to miss important church programmes once the end of the year draws close- don’t judge me, everybody needs prayers during the ’ember months’.

She continued, “I saw you at the vigil sha. I was in the choir and I gave a special number that night too.”

I didn’t remember jack but I wasn’t going to pass up the nice opening that this hot girl presented to me on a platter of gold. Nah, not with the wealth of experience I had under my belt- like literally under my belt.

She told me her name was Vivian, I told her mine was Femi, Oluwafemi Sossa to be precise and the sparks started flying from there. I knew I had hit jackpot. I struck gold on first try. The feeling is usually awesome, I tell you!

So I go, “Where you headed exactly” and she said “Towards the main market.” I lived just behind the main market.

At this particular moment, I should have known that the devil was out to get me. This is why- this Vivian barely knew me but she was going my way. Like she was going right to my backyard and obviously without stress I can get her to come in for sometime, get her in my bedroom and ‘do the do’. Hell! Who needs the bedroom sef? The sofa is big enough bruh!

So i throw in the question, “I live just around the market though so maybe you can come in briefly and we’ll share a drink or two…” before i finished suggesting however, she cut in “I know your house. It’s fine.”

How my suspicion alarm did not go off at this moment I still haven’t figured out yet.

While all these was happening I still had no idea that some witches were pulling some funny strings from their coven trying to bring a good man down.

I got Vivian into my room though and began to ‘do the do’ then suddenly the unexpected happened. My life changed this very moment.

Vivian was sitting astride me with her bra the only thing covering her nakedness while I fiddled with some parts of her body making her moan pleasurably.

Suddenly she jerked up and looked me straight in the eyes…like she was looking straight into my soul.

I was momentarily confused as she stared at me, laughed, stared at me and laughed again. I had never encountered such weirdness in my entire life- like did I pleasure her so much she actually ran mad?

I was confused bruh!

“Do you know I am a witch?”

My mind rang with the sound of a bullet flying out the barrel of a pistol, once, twice.

It rang again!

Jesus, I thought, “this is the end!”

I had absolutely no time to think if she was joking with me or not as immediately my mind kicked into survival mode. How do I get out of this fix? Is my life ruined already? Jesus.

I flashed back to all the Nollywood movies I had watched with a ‘witch and a man in bed together‘ scene and none of the scenes I remembered looked good. The guy usually ended up clutching his throat or convulsing with foamy white substance coming from his mouth.

Is this how I would die?

As a Yoruba demon though, thinking on my feet (or on my back sha) is one quality that helps me through tight spots and this was about the tightest spots I had been. I needed to think fast and survive this Edo witch.

I laughed confidently (at least I hoped it sounded confident) and told her “Ehnen if you are a witch nko?” while at the same time slowly pulling up the zipper of my jeans trouser without arousing her suspicion.

“Nothing spoil” I declared. “Its not a big deal.”

Vivian smiled and stopped staring into my eyes as she threw her head back using one hand to pack her hair back. “You’re a lucky guy sha”

This actually is where the anointing of my priest earlier in the day came in.

Vivian picked up her shirt from the side of the bed where we had flung it to in the heat of passion and started telling me all the things that could have happened if we did ‘do the do.’

For real and she was not even joking.

She said she decided to tell me because something in her kept telling her I was a good guy and I did not deserve what would come to me after if we did the ‘do’.

Well, I want to believe it was all the anointing I’d received in my entire lifetime that told her to come straight with me- believe it or not, that’s your business.

She said if we had done the ‘do’ my life would have been ruined and I would have never gotten anything right ever again. She even said I’d have died in a few months from that day if we had just gone all the way.

Brethren, that was how I was saved from the plans of scheming witches o. This life.

The way I was shivering inside ehn, if you leave a 5 year old boy outside without a blanket or an umbrella under a heavy downpour, he still would not be as cold as I was that day.

But ehn just one witch that has conscience was not enough to hold this black man down, the ones that sent her had failed woefully. For this score it was Yoruba demon 1 and Edo witches 0.

I won bruh.

Long story short, Vivian wore her shirt and asked if we could still be friends after everything.

I just had the most harrowing 8 minutes of my life, what do you fucking think?

asheriheme@gmail.com'
Asher Iheme

Poet. Photography lover. Writer. Random human. Humble with a mountain size hint of Kanye -_- #Maverick.

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