I mentioned earlier that my friends used to call me Genny Textbook, right?
You see, Genny was so fine and laiskeen she could pass for a mammy water any day, any time. Just give her a white gown and flowing Brazilian hair with blue contact lenses and you have the Queen of the Coast standing right before you.
Her friends, on the other hand could conveniently cast for the demon-guards of the mammy water queen; Genny’s wickedness never allowed her have pretty friends. She didn’t want anybody to capture the attention of her preys while she played her games.
Genny was so beautiful that my friends believed that I had to be spending a lot of money to maintain my friendship with her; from extravagant lunches to imaginary gifts and the likes. So every time I called my father to ask for money for one imaginary textbook or handout (which I did like every 4 days), they believed I was scamming my parents to fuel my Genny inspired lifestyle.
That is how I got the name Genny Textbook. Don’t laugh.
I used to be cool with the name a little bit, even though it was annoying but after what Genny did to my soul on Valentine’s day, I almost killed somebody’s son for calling me Genny Textbook.
I loathe the name bruh!
My dream girl had lowkey asked me to ask her to be my Valentine.
Do you know what that meant to the naïve, young and stupid me?
I felt like my chance had finally come to show Genny that I could step up into the big leagues and be her boyfriend, like her real boyfriend o, not the chief of defense staff of her friend zone.
I was so convinced Genny would give me that chance! After all, the only reason I wasn’t driving around like the other big boys on campus was because I was too young to drive, she should know that!
And I didn’t have a car too but she would understand that it’s all love. Love wins in the end, right?
That day when I left Huski, I ran to my hostel, picked up my phone and called my dad.
I’m sure he was wondering which girl got his son asking for money that was like 3 times his monthly allowance at once (my father is a very sharp man, as I learned after I graduated) as I formulated a believable lie for him, stressing why I needed the money as soon as possible.
My father never argued when i asked him for money, he’d just tell me to check my account balance the next day (that time instant transfer and bank alerts hadn’t arrived).
Brethren, that’s how I scammed my father of his hard earned money because of Genny! I was going to make our valentine that year a wafekulaleyi situation.
So I set to it with the help of my friend who kept reminding me of how stupid I was acting. At some point I had to point out to him that it appeared that he was jealous of me and that was why he didn’t support my frolicking with the laiskeen Genny.
Like, “shush bro! I got this covered!”
A week to Valentine, I went shopping for gifts and all that I needed to finally win the heart of the Queen of the Coast that had gained admission into Unilag.
I bought a huge teddy bear that was embarrassing to carry into New Hall because Sodeinde Boys will start taunting you. Everyone knew Valentine’s was around the corner.
I had to pay someone to take the teddy bear to my friend’s room in Sodeinde Hall.
Then I got a wristwatch that was covered in tiny shimmery stones (No, not diamonds), some red roses that were scented nicely.
I will not go into the full details of all the things I bought in preparation for the day my Genny was finally going to accept that I am boyfriend material. The day my dream would finally come true and this ‘Cocacola model’ would finally be mine!
I didn’t mind that I had to ration my food for the next week till I got my next allowance from my dad. Some days, I’d make do with just a gala and a bottle of Fanta as breakfast, lunch and dinner but I counted it all as suffering for love.
I mean if Jesus died for the whole world, what is ordinary hunger? Anybody that hunger has killed before should please say in the comment section below.
I’m even angry sef.
Back then, ordinary 6am to 12pm fasting and prayer in church, I’ll be rolling in the deep like Adele. Maybe if I’d just actually fasted one of those days, my former angel colleagues would have rescued me from this Queen of the Coast girl. Mammy water oshi.
But no, it’s only woman I could fast for. Dopemu like me.
Back to the story. February 13, Genny called me while I was in class and it was as if somebody poured cold water on me. The way I ran out of the class to pick her call ehn, someone would have thought she was paying my school fees or holding my grandmother at gunpoint.
For a moment, I thought she called to cancel plans for Valentine’s; maybe one of those big boys with cars had gotten to her and she was breaking up our future relationship before it even started.
This is very random though, I just remembered Genny told me she was billed to go to South Africa for a photoshoot! Stupid me, I believed her.
Genny did not break up our future relationship when she called, in fact she called to remind me of our plans and question my readiness. Oh happy day! Who wouldn’t be ready?!
She even told me she had a surprise for me as her Valentine’s gift to me and my head started ringing.
Mama I finally made it!
The day finally came. It’s February the 14th and dear Lord I was over prepared!
That morning I left my hostel gorgeously dressed in a red shirt, black jeans trouser and red converse all-stars chucks. Me, Oluwafemi, fineboy, lightskinned fellow, game spitter, lover boy – I was ready to kill everybody with my color of love.
When I become President in the nearest future though, I will instruct DSS to probe all my roommates from way back then! They saw me dress like a retarded clown and they couldn’t tie me down to a bunk or something- at least until Valentine’s was over. The foolish people even hailed me!
To be a successful Lagos Baby Boy, you have to surround yourself with friends that share your dream. They should feel your passion and understand that you are human and therefore prone to stupid decisions.
Especially if it’s the Queen of the Coast like Genny that is your adversary, you need friends that would slap the stupidity out of your medulla oblongata when you start behaving like an outright idiot- because of woman!
But I did not have those Chuck Norris type of friends sadly. My friends were the likes of Mr. Ibu and Osuofia that was denied visa to London. The only thing they were good for was to make fun of my situationship with Genny.
On my way to class that day, Genny called me to confirm if we were still on as planned and, “Sure sweetheart, I have a big surprise for you,” was my answer.
The surprise being the huge teddy bear I bought.
We spoke briefly and decided we would meet up around 2pm at my faculty before going on our Valentine’s day date. Everything was going pretty well so far.
That day in class was weird however! Everybody kept looking back at me (I was a constant backbencher. From year one to final year sef) and I thought it was because I was so hot looking in my bright red shirt. I even snubbed some of the girls that tried to talk to me. The boy is hot!
Then 2pm came.
Brethren, this is where my soul was taken away from me by a wicked laiskeen babe. She took my heart and ripped into tiny little pieces and she did not even give me a damn reason.
This is how I became a Baby Boy.
When Genny broke my heart to a million pieces, I picked every bit of it up and shared them with all the girls I came across. I never lied whenever I told any girl I gave her a piece of my heart…it’s her fault for not asking how big the piece I gave her is, not mine.
I called Genny once it was 2:00pm and her phone just kept ringing. I called again and again and again.
I knew she wasn’t in any lecture because by her timetable (that I’d already mastered) lectures on Wednesdays ended by 12.
Genny still did not pick my call at 3pm, 4pm, 5pm.
I kept sending her text messages but I was not getting any reply. Nothing!
One time I called her and she was on call waiting, I called back a minute later and she still did not pick.
Genny had bewitched me so greatly that my mind refused to believe that my laiskeen queen is playing games with me. I lowkey thought someone had stolen her phone (and I was already calculating how to raise money for a new phone for her) and that was why she was unavailable.
Around 3pm I went to the front of Genny’s faculty and sat down hoping that she’ll step out and I’d unveil my marvelous Valentine’s plan.
Oh boy! I sat there till 6pm! No Genny, No call, No text.
If I had any sense I should have known at this moment that I’d been played really bad but stupid me, I still went ahead and called one of Genny’s demon-guards.
In a funny twist, Genny’s friend suggested that I should leave the gifts I bought for my dear Genny with her and she’d deliver them to the laiskeen demon when she becomes available.
She couldn’t tell where Genny went to or why she was not picking up my calls- the girl knew just what her demon queen was up to! She just wouldn’t say.
You see, this is just the story of my excuse for becoming a Lagos Baby boy and like I said before, it doesn’t have to make sense. It just has to be an excuse. Simple.
As I carried the huge teddy bear I bought for Genny plus the gifts from my friend’s room and through a sea of over 3,000 people in New Hall to hand over to Genny’s ugly friend, I could feel my demon horns growing out of my head and my halo slowly dissolving into oblivion.
Genny finally proved my friends right. The shame that enveloped my heart was so great. My happily ever after with the laiskeen girl will never come true. Such tragedy!
As I lay in my bed that night thinking about how this life is just a pot of beans, I imagined a thousand excuses Genny could come up with as to why she stood me up like that.
Maybe she killed herself, maybe she is running away from the cops, maybe aliens invaded earth that day and took her with them, maybe rapture has even happened and only Genny was taken from Nigeria- none of my excuses pointed to the fact that I’d just been played by the fairest of all demons, the queen of the damn coast, mammy water laiskeen Genny!
Before I eventally slept that night I knew that by the time I woke up the next day, something new would have happened to me.
The angel Oluwafemi shall be no more, at least for a long while.